You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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