My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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