life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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