You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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