i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
