your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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