Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
