I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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