I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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