Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
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Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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