My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
