I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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