So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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