I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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