What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
