I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
