If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
