i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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