I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
