Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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