I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
