Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
