if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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