I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
