I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
