Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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