3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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