I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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