I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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