Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
