The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
