Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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