I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I AM VODKA MAN
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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