OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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