at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
