dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
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