The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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