After last night, I could never be a politician.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
