No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
