btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
