Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
