i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
