I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
