Having a random hookup so left but love u
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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