I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
