I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
