It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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