Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
