i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize