it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
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It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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