i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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