Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
