is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
