We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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