i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
