I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you would pick up someone in the library
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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