My friends, they love my intelligence
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
